Je pense. A elle et a Elle. Triste sort que celui qui n'a jamais su choisir. J'ai rêvé de ma soeur hier, elle était dévorée par des fourmis rouges par millions. Clair obscur indéfinissable, porte ouvrant sur l'infini mais je ne trouve pas la poignée. J'ai croisé une fille hier, qui m'a jeté un regard méprisant. Je l'imaginais pendue au bout d'une corde à linge, au milieu de mon appartement. Cela m'a fait rire. Qu'est-ce qu'une vie sans rien ? Une coquille vide, un néant permanent vidé de toute substance, et sur lequel on s'accroche. Je ferme les yeux mais je ne sens plus mes paupières, le vide est là, toujours, devant moi, il ne s'en va jamais. J'ai l'impression de perdre l'équilibre, est-ce une illusion, je ne sais pas. Elle est toujours là.
Contre-poison. Là est l'éphémère remède.
Je ne dors plus, ou alors c'est pour me réveiller en sursaut. On m'a dit que j'étais d'humeur massacrante, je leur ai dit que j'arrêtais de fumer. Ils ont ricané, je leur ai tourné le dos, pour les retrouver en face de moi. Je ne ressens plus rien, mes goûts se sont taris. Plus rien pour les alimenter, j'ai soif pourtant. Même l'alcool ne me soulage plus. Elle est toujours là, mais elle ne comprend pas. Si seulement elle pouvait, ne serait-ce qu'un instant, venir me rejoindre dans cette pièce obscure. J'ai eu envie de dormir. Impossible toujours. Triste exutoire.
Mon entorse me fait mal mais je ne sais pas m'en débarasser. Il est venu m'en parler pourtant, m'expliquer mais je n'ai pas écouté. Il fait froid et la lumière est fade. La banalité quotidienne toujours reprend ses droits, je suis cloîtré, personne ne viendra me chercher. Je ne me plais pas ici mais c'est bien mieux que dehors. Sortir pour quoi ? Pour pleurer.
Je me suis fait un tatouage, je n'ai pas senti l'aiguille mais je suis marqué à vie.
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